Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Why divorce cost so much? Because it is worth it!

After reading the last week Binah magazine ("War and Piece" article by Suri Cohen) I felt slightly better. It gave me certain amount of comfort to know that more people will learn about my story and that I am not alone in my battle. Also, it feels awkwardly good to read about other people horrors - it makes my own nightmare to look less severe.

How many more untold stories are out there? A "devoted" wife who got her husband arrested for Order of Protection violation in the middle of Rosh Ha-Shana prayer ? Psychotic ex-wife, who after a shopping spree sued her ex-husband to pay off her credit cards debt? Well, the b$%%s are out there but their ex-husbands are too ashamed to share their pain. You know, they are men. They don't deal well with betrayal and vengeance of their ex-wives. All they want is to be left in peace and to move on with their lives. Unfortunately, this, my dear readers, is not going to happen. Here is why.

You need two to get married. Similarly, you need two to agree upon and sign the divorce agreement. And let me get something across here - the divorce battle is never about the money only. It is about control. It is about the wicked "entitlement" to cause grief to the ex-spouse for all the years he caused you grief. Why didn't you divorce him earlier? Inability to make a decision, convenience, public opinion, shidduchim for the kids, money, money, money - the list is endless. This is why you cannot let him go. Why give up the button that causes him to jump every time you push it?

In so called "nasty divorce" we are dealing with one party's need to satisfy her/his desire to control and manipulate the other anytime she/he feels like. A simple thing, such as civil divorce suddenly turns into powerful control tool. What can be better than preventing your ex-spouse to remarry?

Another, less powerful, but yet pretty annoying tactic is to keep all your spouse personal items and turn them into a negotiation tool. "You want your books? What books? Oh, I think the dog ate them." she says. "But you don't have a dog, don't you?", asks amused husband. "Maybe the cleaning lady threw it out, OK?", she continues. "How come you collect charity money and still have twice a week cleaning help?!", he gasps desperately. "Don't you dare tell me how to live my life and if you rise your voice I will call the police!" - the conversation was over before it started. Of course it would never occur in reality since there is no personal communication between the parties besides emails.

How to estimate the amount of satisfaction from being finally in control of a person you despise? What is the price tag on possessing your ex-spouse personal items and showing no intention to ever return them to the owner? It is absolutely priceless! Worth every penny and feels so good too! Finally, you have him on your hook, and he cannot do a darn thing about it.

And if he ever asks for his stuff? Your answer will be always:"I have no idea where it is! Dog ate my homework!". 

Dear reader, I hope you got the point. If it does not make any sense to you, don't worry. It does not have to make sense. When someone wants to take revenge, the goal justifies the means. That's why divorces cost so much. Controlling and manipulating others is pretty costly business!

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