Pretenders - how dangerous are they?

Following the last week story about a "big Rabbi" who was nothing but a big pretender (if your followed last week's news you know who I am referring to) I decided to post my thoughts on pretenders and how to uncover them.

Rule number one: Someone who shouts the loudest or acts above the norm is usually compensating for his flaws. His or her actions are nothing but a cover up. This so called Rabbi acted in the name of religion and went beyond Halacha to cover up for his dark secrets. Same goes for a divorced parent - in this case, everything in the name of childern's best interests.

In last week's Binah (we were featured) someone, signed R.C.B, commented on the article. "It's a bizayon that a frum magazine can publish such a narrow minded article". "We women have hearts and we negotiate with heart and raise our kids with love and security". Dear R.C.B, why didn't you sign your real name? What is it that you are covering up for?

Yes, you are right, there are women and men who put the children first and don't let the divorce to affect the children's relationship with each parent (I personally know a few). The article didn't say there aren't any. It merely pointed out that unfortunately more and more women are using their children as pawns in their divorce game to gain an advantage, usually monetary.

What could be possibly wrong with telling this story? Nothing, unless you are a pretender, who has to cover up for being a lousy mother and a coward hiding behind your children.

Let's see how it works.

THE TRUTH - "I don't have the guts to confront my ex. Talking to him or even sending him an e-mail freaks me out."

THE COVER UP - "I encourage my children to have an open relationship with their father so I don't have to interfere with them scheduling the visitation or any other related issues."

THE SAD RESULT - When the pretender has a scheduling conflict she sends the poor child to to tell the father. "Mommy had scheduled an appointment right on visitation day. I am sorry, Daddy. It is not Mommy's fault it is my fault, Daddy. I forgot to tell you. I'm so sorry". The kid is on the edge, being forced to make a choice that he shouldn't have to make - between Mommy's demands and his cherished time with Daddy.

Why would she put the poor youngster smack on the firing line instead of taking the heat herself for her screw up? She is the loving mother, isn't she?

Another example:

THE TRUTH - "I don't have the time or the money to deal with torn shoes, dirty clothing, teaching my children the value of good clothing. I am too busy with catching up with my own life. And frankly I dress no better myself."

THE COVER UP - "He is a young adult and I allow him to make his own choices about how to take care of his clothing and what to wear."

THE SAD RESULT - The kid's only suit suffered fatal damage but Mommy didn't bother to tell the father. Why would she have to face up to the fact that she failed to supervise the child taking his best suit to play outside? Instead, she sends the her pawn (A.K.A. the poor child) to fix the problem. "Daddy, I think the suit you bought me has a hole. I sat on something sharp and tore the pants. Do you think it can be fixed? I am really sorry, it is my fault - I wasn't careful."

She cares about the child's feelings, doesn't she? Was it to much of a burden to bring the bad news herself? Am I asking to much, for her to go above and beyond and offer some help to fix the situation?

TO THE OBSERVER:

If you hear a story about a divorced woman who proudly raises her kids with no support from their father, who encourages them to make their own choices, who struggles to get them the best education, the best home, the best everything, a woman who is a real true martyr - look for cover up. Chances are she uses the situation to advance her interests, and chances are she does the bare minimum when it comes to the children's relationship with their father. This is how she covers up for the fact that her children are nothing but human shields in her "holy" war against her ex.

Beware the Pretender.

A real mother would shield her children from being in the middle. She would take the heat of wrong choices or harming decisions. She would always go ahead and deliver the message or bad news because she believes in honesty. She would never ask the child to make a choice of which parent they have to satisfy today and who's parent interests they have to protect tomorrow.

TO THE PRETENDER:

Beware, all pretenders are uncovered sooner or later. It's about time to start reflecting upon your actions and stop hiding behind your children. Try and have some courage. Be honest, it pays off in the end.