Monday, December 21, 2009

Pretenders - how dangerous are they?

Following the last week story about a "big Rabbi" who was nothing but a big pretender (if your followed last week's news you know who I am referring to) I decided to post my thoughts on pretenders and how to uncover them.

Rule number one: Someone who shouts the loudest or acts above the norm is usually compensating for his flaws. His or her actions are nothing but a cover up. This so called Rabbi acted in the name of religion and went beyond Halacha to cover up for his dark secrets. Same goes for a divorced parent - in this case, everything in the name of childern's best interests.

In last week's Binah (we were featured) someone, signed R.C.B, commented on the article. "It's a bizayon that a frum magazine can publish such a narrow minded article". "We women have hearts and we negotiate with heart and raise our kids with love and security". Dear R.C.B, why didn't you sign your real name? What is it that you are covering up for?

Yes, you are right, there are women and men who put the children first and don't let the divorce to affect the children's relationship with each parent (I personally know a few). The article didn't say there aren't any. It merely pointed out that unfortunately more and more women are using their children as pawns in their divorce game to gain an advantage, usually monetary.

What could be possibly wrong with telling this story? Nothing, unless you are a pretender, who has to cover up for being a lousy mother and a coward hiding behind your children.

Let's see how it works.

THE TRUTH - "I don't have the guts to confront my ex. Talking to him or even sending him an e-mail freaks me out."

THE COVER UP - "I encourage my children to have an open relationship with their father so I don't have to interfere with them scheduling the visitation or any other related issues."

THE SAD RESULT - When the pretender has a scheduling conflict she sends the poor child to to tell the father. "Mommy had scheduled an appointment right on visitation day. I am sorry, Daddy. It is not Mommy's fault it is my fault, Daddy. I forgot to tell you. I'm so sorry". The kid is on the edge, being forced to make a choice that he shouldn't have to make - between Mommy's demands and his cherished time with Daddy.

Why would she put the poor youngster smack on the firing line instead of taking the heat herself for her screw up? She is the loving mother, isn't she?

Another example:

THE TRUTH - "I don't have the time or the money to deal with torn shoes, dirty clothing, teaching my children the value of good clothing. I am too busy with catching up with my own life. And frankly I dress no better myself."

THE COVER UP - "He is a young adult and I allow him to make his own choices about how to take care of his clothing and what to wear."

THE SAD RESULT - The kid's only suit suffered fatal damage but Mommy didn't bother to tell the father. Why would she have to face up to the fact that she failed to supervise the child taking his best suit to play outside? Instead, she sends the her pawn (A.K.A. the poor child) to fix the problem. "Daddy, I think the suit you bought me has a hole. I sat on something sharp and tore the pants. Do you think it can be fixed? I am really sorry, it is my fault - I wasn't careful."

She cares about the child's feelings, doesn't she? Was it to much of a burden to bring the bad news herself? Am I asking to much, for her to go above and beyond and offer some help to fix the situation?


If you hear a story about a divorced woman who proudly raises her kids with no support from their father, who encourages them to make their own choices, who struggles to get them the best education, the best home, the best everything, a woman who is a real true martyr - look for cover up. Chances are she uses the situation to advance her interests, and chances are she does the bare minimum when it comes to the children's relationship with their father. This is how she covers up for the fact that her children are nothing but human shields in her "holy" war against her ex.

Beware the Pretender.

A real mother would shield her children from being in the middle. She would take the heat of wrong choices or harming decisions. She would always go ahead and deliver the message or bad news because she believes in honesty. She would never ask the child to make a choice of which parent they have to satisfy today and who's parent interests they have to protect tomorrow.


Beware, all pretenders are uncovered sooner or later. It's about time to start reflecting upon your actions and stop hiding behind your children. Try and have some courage. Be honest, it pays off in the end.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Letting it go... The healthiest (not the easiest) way to live!

Hadassah, the author of the blog "In the Pink", did it again in the post " Let it go!"! To tell the truth the way it is, regardless whether you like it or not. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, life is to short to take revenge on your ex-spouse, life is to short to waste it on useless fight, especially if the only goal is MONEY and CONTROL. It is not worth it, no matter how much money you got and how much pain you caused - you will not enjoy it. And the children suffered enough from the fact that the parents are divorced - there is no need to add to their suffering, using them as negotiation tool.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Why divorce cost so much? Because it is worth it!

After reading the last week Binah magazine ("War and Piece" article by Suri Cohen) I felt slightly better. It gave me certain amount of comfort to know that more people will learn about my story and that I am not alone in my battle. Also, it feels awkwardly good to read about other people horrors - it makes my own nightmare to look less severe.

How many more untold stories are out there? A "devoted" wife who got her husband arrested for Order of Protection violation in the middle of Rosh Ha-Shana prayer ? Psychotic ex-wife, who after a shopping spree sued her ex-husband to pay off her credit cards debt? Well, the b$%%s are out there but their ex-husbands are too ashamed to share their pain. You know, they are men. They don't deal well with betrayal and vengeance of their ex-wives. All they want is to be left in peace and to move on with their lives. Unfortunately, this, my dear readers, is not going to happen. Here is why.

You need two to get married. Similarly, you need two to agree upon and sign the divorce agreement. And let me get something across here - the divorce battle is never about the money only. It is about control. It is about the wicked "entitlement" to cause grief to the ex-spouse for all the years he caused you grief. Why didn't you divorce him earlier? Inability to make a decision, convenience, public opinion, shidduchim for the kids, money, money, money - the list is endless. This is why you cannot let him go. Why give up the button that causes him to jump every time you push it?

In so called "nasty divorce" we are dealing with one party's need to satisfy her/his desire to control and manipulate the other anytime she/he feels like. A simple thing, such as civil divorce suddenly turns into powerful control tool. What can be better than preventing your ex-spouse to remarry?

Another, less powerful, but yet pretty annoying tactic is to keep all your spouse personal items and turn them into a negotiation tool. "You want your books? What books? Oh, I think the dog ate them." she says. "But you don't have a dog, don't you?", asks amused husband. "Maybe the cleaning lady threw it out, OK?", she continues. "How come you collect charity money and still have twice a week cleaning help?!", he gasps desperately. "Don't you dare tell me how to live my life and if you rise your voice I will call the police!" - the conversation was over before it started. Of course it would never occur in reality since there is no personal communication between the parties besides emails.

How to estimate the amount of satisfaction from being finally in control of a person you despise? What is the price tag on possessing your ex-spouse personal items and showing no intention to ever return them to the owner? It is absolutely priceless! Worth every penny and feels so good too! Finally, you have him on your hook, and he cannot do a darn thing about it.

And if he ever asks for his stuff? Your answer will be always:"I have no idea where it is! Dog ate my homework!". 

Dear reader, I hope you got the point. If it does not make any sense to you, don't worry. It does not have to make sense. When someone wants to take revenge, the goal justifies the means. That's why divorces cost so much. Controlling and manipulating others is pretty costly business!