Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The perfect divorce scheme

First, let's start with the disclaimer: This post is based on true stories - I compiled few cases and added more details to complete the picture. I advise women who seek divorce not to follow this path, since it creates nothing but destruction that would last for generations and the money is not worth it.
This is how the scheme works:

STEP 1. Document for few years every single argument that you have with your husband, every time he has something to say to his children document it as well, remember to put the dates. If he has temper, try to provoke him as much as possible to lose it - document each occasion. Invite your friends (or close relatives from your side of the family) to stay for a weekend or just come to visit frequently. Encourage the kids to disregard his remarks and disrespect him, give them silent permission to do whatever they want in your presence, but don't discipline them - wait until the father engages. Document the way he spoke to them, especially if he dared to raise his voice or to punish them. Assure that the friends will support your version of the story when the time comes.

STEP 2. Collect all bank information, document each account, passwords, balance, etc. It is important to get friendly with the local branch clerks - you will need their trust in the future.

STEP 3. Find nasty and vicious feminist lawyers with proven record of court cases filed against fathers. They don't have to be winners, you are just going to use them as attack dogs against you soon-to-be-ex-husband. They are also useful to exhaust the legal system with endless paperwork, briefs, motions and cross-motions and demoralize your enemy (A.K.A. the father of your children)

STEP 4. Wait until you have an opportunity to strike - it will come, be patient. If you exercised STEP 1 religiously for at least a year, you will have him in the right state of emotional turmoil. Now just wait until he blows up, supply few drinks to encourage the emotional breakdown. 

STEP 5. Now, it is important to have a friend (a loyal one) that would observe the whole scene. Don't use relatives, their testimony would sound less reliable in the court. Make sure that these "friends" would remember the important details, like him yelling "You ruined my life nasty bitch" (Sorry, dear, I haven't started yet - see you in 6 years from now). Let them do the dirty job for you (otherwise what the friends are for?) while you are still busy to put the last nail into the coffin of your marriage. Make sure they document everything in great and colorful detail. 

STEP 6. Next morning (while he is still sleeping in the car), withdraw as much money as possible from the joint accounts (better from different accounts) that will not look suspicious. Move the money into your personal account. Simultaneously your lawyer will file the Order of Protection against the husband. There is a 100% guarantee that you will get it and you don't have to prove anything. This will completely demoralize him and also kick him out of the house for a while (or forever). Now you have enough time to work on your court papers and destroy important evidence that might help him.

STEP 7.  Prepare your case. "Shape up" the information you collected in the STEP 1. Describe your husband in a worst possible way. The more inhuman he looks the more money you will get from him.
If he was speaking loudly, add kicking and beating to the scene. If he asked you to help him, make it to sound like he threatened you and you had to succumb to his aggression. If he said that he is upset at you, describe it as a horrifying rage. Don't forget to tell every few paragraphs how horrified you and your children were, how much psychological damage he caused (don't worry you don't have to prove any of this). And of course you do all this in the sake of safety of your children and you have been all these years a devoted wife and mother. Judges like to read it.

STEP 8. Let your "witnesses" to read the papers to refresh their memory so they could testify accordingly. Don't forget to notarize their statements.

STEP 9. You are ready to go - your lawyers will do the rest.

And what about desecration of God and losing your place in Olam Ha-Ba? Don't worry about it now, you will lie your way in somehow later on. Right now you are going after big bucks and it worth every penny!


  1. Here's the better way to do a divorce, the one I tell my patients:

    Remind yourself that even though you are no longer marital partners, you are still parenting partners. Prioritizing your need to humiliate your ex means putting your petty needs before your child's genuine ones.

    Maybe you can't live together. But the partners in law firms don't either. They just work together. Maybe you can too.

    It is in both your interests to raise happy, confident children and you can't do that if you're sniping at each other all the time. No partner in a business gets to make all the decisions. Compromise builds character.

    I've seen some couples try this. Hmmm, it always seems to work out well for everyone. I know one ex-couple that double dates with their new partners because of this advice.

  2. I wish you can do some of your magic therapy on my husband's ex. It seems that she is so psychologically damaged and blinded with anger that she would shot herself in the head if she would be certain than the bullet exiting her head will kill her ex-husband too. As I said earlier, what a waste, what a shame!