Pretenders - how dangerous are they?

Following the last week story about a "big Rabbi" who was nothing but a big pretender (if your followed last week's news you know who I am referring to) I decided to post my thoughts on pretenders and how to uncover them.

Rule number one: Someone who shouts the loudest or acts above the norm is usually compensating for his flaws. His or her actions are nothing but a cover up. This so called Rabbi acted in the name of religion and went beyond Halacha to cover up for his dark secrets. Same goes for a divorced parent - in this case, everything in the name of childern's best interests.

In last week's Binah (we were featured) someone, signed R.C.B, commented on the article. "It's a bizayon that a frum magazine can publish such a narrow minded article". "We women have hearts and we negotiate with heart and raise our kids with love and security". Dear R.C.B, why didn't you sign your real name? What is it that you are covering up for?

Yes, you are right, there are women and men who put the children first and don't let the divorce to affect the children's relationship with each parent (I personally know a few). The article didn't say there aren't any. It merely pointed out that unfortunately more and more women are using their children as pawns in their divorce game to gain an advantage, usually monetary.

What could be possibly wrong with telling this story? Nothing, unless you are a pretender, who has to cover up for being a lousy mother and a coward hiding behind your children.

Let's see how it works.

THE TRUTH - "I don't have the guts to confront my ex. Talking to him or even sending him an e-mail freaks me out."

THE COVER UP - "I encourage my children to have an open relationship with their father so I don't have to interfere with them scheduling the visitation or any other related issues."

THE SAD RESULT - When the pretender has a scheduling conflict she sends the poor child to to tell the father. "Mommy had scheduled an appointment right on visitation day. I am sorry, Daddy. It is not Mommy's fault it is my fault, Daddy. I forgot to tell you. I'm so sorry". The kid is on the edge, being forced to make a choice that he shouldn't have to make - between Mommy's demands and his cherished time with Daddy.

Why would she put the poor youngster smack on the firing line instead of taking the heat herself for her screw up? She is the loving mother, isn't she?

Another example:

THE TRUTH - "I don't have the time or the money to deal with torn shoes, dirty clothing, teaching my children the value of good clothing. I am too busy with catching up with my own life. And frankly I dress no better myself."

THE COVER UP - "He is a young adult and I allow him to make his own choices about how to take care of his clothing and what to wear."

THE SAD RESULT - The kid's only suit suffered fatal damage but Mommy didn't bother to tell the father. Why would she have to face up to the fact that she failed to supervise the child taking his best suit to play outside? Instead, she sends the her pawn (A.K.A. the poor child) to fix the problem. "Daddy, I think the suit you bought me has a hole. I sat on something sharp and tore the pants. Do you think it can be fixed? I am really sorry, it is my fault - I wasn't careful."

She cares about the child's feelings, doesn't she? Was it to much of a burden to bring the bad news herself? Am I asking to much, for her to go above and beyond and offer some help to fix the situation?

TO THE OBSERVER:

If you hear a story about a divorced woman who proudly raises her kids with no support from their father, who encourages them to make their own choices, who struggles to get them the best education, the best home, the best everything, a woman who is a real true martyr - look for cover up. Chances are she uses the situation to advance her interests, and chances are she does the bare minimum when it comes to the children's relationship with their father. This is how she covers up for the fact that her children are nothing but human shields in her "holy" war against her ex.

Beware the Pretender.

A real mother would shield her children from being in the middle. She would take the heat of wrong choices or harming decisions. She would always go ahead and deliver the message or bad news because she believes in honesty. She would never ask the child to make a choice of which parent they have to satisfy today and who's parent interests they have to protect tomorrow.

TO THE PRETENDER:

Beware, all pretenders are uncovered sooner or later. It's about time to start reflecting upon your actions and stop hiding behind your children. Try and have some courage. Be honest, it pays off in the end.

Letting it go... The healthiest (not the easiest) way to live!

Hadassah, the author of the blog "In the Pink", did it again in the post " Let it go!"! To tell the truth the way it is, regardless whether you like it or not. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, life is to short to take revenge on your ex-spouse, life is to short to waste it on useless fight, especially if the only goal is MONEY and CONTROL. It is not worth it, no matter how much money you got and how much pain you caused - you will not enjoy it. And the children suffered enough from the fact that the parents are divorced - there is no need to add to their suffering, using them as negotiation tool.

Why divorce cost so much? Because it is worth it!

After reading the last week Binah magazine ("War and Piece" article by Suri Cohen) I felt slightly better. It gave me certain amount of comfort to know that more people will learn about my story and that I am not alone in my battle. Also, it feels awkwardly good to read about other people horrors - it makes my own nightmare to look less severe.

How many more untold stories are out there? A "devoted" wife who got her husband arrested for Order of Protection violation in the middle of Rosh Ha-Shana prayer ? Psychotic ex-wife, who after a shopping spree sued her ex-husband to pay off her credit cards debt? Well, the b$%%s are out there but their ex-husbands are too ashamed to share their pain. You know, they are men. They don't deal well with betrayal and vengeance of their ex-wives. All they want is to be left in peace and to move on with their lives. Unfortunately, this, my dear readers, is not going to happen. Here is why.

You need two to get married. Similarly, you need two to agree upon and sign the divorce agreement. And let me get something across here - the divorce battle is never about the money only. It is about control. It is about the wicked "entitlement" to cause grief to the ex-spouse for all the years he caused you grief. Why didn't you divorce him earlier? Inability to make a decision, convenience, public opinion, shidduchim for the kids, money, money, money - the list is endless. This is why you cannot let him go. Why give up the button that causes him to jump every time you push it?

In so called "nasty divorce" we are dealing with one party's need to satisfy her/his desire to control and manipulate the other anytime she/he feels like. A simple thing, such as civil divorce suddenly turns into powerful control tool. What can be better than preventing your ex-spouse to remarry?

Another, less powerful, but yet pretty annoying tactic is to keep all your spouse personal items and turn them into a negotiation tool. "You want your books? What books? Oh, I think the dog ate them." she says. "But you don't have a dog, don't you?", asks amused husband. "Maybe the cleaning lady threw it out, OK?", she continues. "How come you collect charity money and still have twice a week cleaning help?!", he gasps desperately. "Don't you dare tell me how to live my life and if you rise your voice I will call the police!" - the conversation was over before it started. Of course it would never occur in reality since there is no personal communication between the parties besides emails.

How to estimate the amount of satisfaction from being finally in control of a person you despise? What is the price tag on possessing your ex-spouse personal items and showing no intention to ever return them to the owner? It is absolutely priceless! Worth every penny and feels so good too! Finally, you have him on your hook, and he cannot do a darn thing about it.

And if he ever asks for his stuff? Your answer will be always:"I have no idea where it is! Dog ate my homework!". 

Dear reader, I hope you got the point. If it does not make any sense to you, don't worry. It does not have to make sense. When someone wants to take revenge, the goal justifies the means. That's why divorces cost so much. Controlling and manipulating others is pretty costly business!

Open Letter on Obsession (response to the Anonymous)

Dear Anonymous, thank you for your time reading my blog and posting a lovely comment. Your opinion is highly appreciated (I am not being sarcastic). I will not descend to your level and will respond in kind to the personal attack in your comment (please read here). In this blog, we stick to the facts and let the readers judge and decide.

You mentioned that I am obsessed with my husband's ex-wife. I am glad you mentioned this very disturbing mental disorder so we can explore it together. I am sure you posses an incredible amount of knowledge on the subject, being able to diagnose me with insanity and obsession having never met me personally but merely reading my blog. I happen to have a degree in Psychology, but I am not your shrink and professional ethics does do allow me to do diagnose you or my husband's ex-wife in public.

Obsession is defined in medical dictionary as: A recurrent and persistent idea, thought, or impulse to carry out an act that the person realizes its senselessness and struggles to resist it, and that the person cannot voluntarily suppress.

Am I obsessed with my husband’s ex-wife? Well, according this definition, I am not. My blog is not about her, but about how my life is affected by her. And this is, my dear readers, is unfortunately the reality I live in, not an obsessive thought.

Let's discuss some strange behavioral patterns for a minute. 

Let's say, someone were to block your car in a parking lot so they could get a closer look at you, would that be considered obsessive?  Perhaps not. However, if that person were your spouse's ex, would THAT be obsessive behavior? 

Would be in this context, my attempt to learn about her be a senseless or irrational thought, caused by obsession? Or maybe I am just curious about how she manages on a daily basis, without having ANY certainty about the future, making same mistakes again and again without attempt to reconcile.

Twice already, she was under foreclosure on the house she lives in. She was bankrupt and owes money to everyone who is and used to be her friends, plus unpaid bills to her own lawyers and credit card companies. She takes, Tzedaka money, for G-d sake, and yet she is ready to go for another 10 years of legal battles. I wonder would she shot herself, knowing that the bullet exiting her body will kill her ex-husband? 

Would a sane person (until she is properly observed and diagnosed professionally I don’t have a right to claim her insanity despite the evidence) sabotage her own life in order to prove a point?

Now about me and my intentions. 

The opposite of obsession is passion. And I am very passionate person. I am passionate about my life, about my work, about my future, about an amazing person that I wake up next to every morning. 

I am passionate about living my life and about spending my time effectively, and this is the reason I feel pain every time I see a waste of time and energy.

The fact that I invest (waste?) even more time writing a blog about my life of war and peace does not qualify as obsession. It is my way to tell the world my side of the story and to bring awareness to the problem that affects hundreds of families.

Yes, you are right, dear Anonymous, there are many sides to this story, and somewhere is also the truth. Unfortunately, my side (the second wife's) is often the one, that nobody cares about. And let me be blunt here, I equally don’t care about his or her stories. I don't blindly believe what I hear from people (even if it is my own husband) until I learn the documented facts that either dismiss or prove what I have heard. In my blog I tell stories the way I see them, based upon documents I read, observations I made and experiences I had. If you find my story inaccurate, you are more than welcome to comment constructively instead of calling me names.

As I said in my first blog, hearing her story would cause anyone to cry rivers of tears. I used to have angry arguments with my husband while defending her and her side (silly me!). Reading the poisonous court papers where she degrades her ex-husband (a.k.a. a father of her children) and witnessing her twisting the truth the way she sees fit, was an eye opening experience for me.

There are no winners in any divorce. Furthermore, I believe that each side is equally guilty of making serious mistakes causing grief to all involved parties. The key message of my blog is that we better learn from mistakes of others, since life is too short to make them all ourselves.

And a personal message for you, my dear Anonymous: You don't become a failure when you make mistakes, but when you don't learn from them, blaming your unfortunate choices on others.

What is fair and what is not fair, who decides?

In today's world a signature on the paper does not worth more than the paper it is written on. My blog went to a vacation (sort of) for few reasons (see below), but now it seems that we are back (unfortunately) in full power.

In the mean time we had celebrated my step son's Bar Mitzva, sent my step daughter for the second year in Israel and wasted our time and energy (again) in useless negotiations with my husband's ex-wife. Who are we? My husband and I, the author of this blog.

Was the happy biological mother involved in any of the activities mentioned above? Let's see. She felt that it would be inappropriate for her to participate in her son's Bar Mitzva celebrations. We ended up paying the tuition for the second year in Israel (the mommy paid her part from child support money - which came also from our pockets). And negotiations? Well... Physically she was there, I saw her.  But, you tell me if anyone can enforce a signed agreement by the person who is not ready to let it go. So what if she signed?! Next day there are 5 "new" issues on the table that has to be resolved. And if we resolve these? She will find more... Same story again and again and again.

You know what our problem is - we are eternal optimists. We always see the best in other people and believe that they are going to be reasonable. We tend to forget that hate and vengeance will always override logic and reason.

Imagine this: this war is the only thing she lives for the last 6 years. She is addicted to this battle, like a gambler is addicted to his game. Despite how much she already had lost, she continues until she completely destroys herself and everything that is dear to her.

When first met my husband I could not comprehend his story. Why it takes so long to finish something so straight forward as a divorce? The realization came after I read in one of her recent papers to the Bais Din that she still calls him "my husband".

"WAKE UP!" I want to tell her, "HE GAVE YOU A GET 6 YEARS AGO. YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE TO MAKE HIM HAPPY AND YOU BLEW IT. HE IS MINE NOW. BUT YOU STILL CANNOT LET HIM GO. YOU ARE DIVORCED, GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD!"

One day she will wake up in her bed alone, deserted by everyone who once cared for her and she will cry to G-d so hard that her lungs will blow up: "Please, please, G-d I beg you, give me back all these years that I have spent on this battle. I had my opportunity to find my true love and build a new family. But I was so obsessed with my ex-husband that I wasted my best years trying to destroy and degrade him. He moved on, and has a family and he is happy, and I have nothing to live for and nobody will care if I die tomorrow!"

The perfect divorce scheme

First, let's start with the disclaimer: This post is based on true stories - I compiled few cases and added more details to complete the picture. I advise women who seek divorce not to follow this path, since it creates nothing but destruction that would last for generations and the money is not worth it.

This is how the scheme works:

STEP 1. Document for few years every single argument that you have with your husband, every time he has something to say to his children document it as well, remember to put the dates. If he has temper, try to provoke him as much as possible to lose it - document each occasion. Invite your friends (or close relatives from your side of the family) to stay for a weekend or just come to visit frequently. Encourage the kids to disregard his remarks and disrespect him, give them silent permission to do whatever they want in your presence, but don't discipline them - wait until the father engages. Document the way he spoke to them, especially if he dared to raise his voice or to punish them. Assure that the friends will support your version of the story when the time comes.

STEP 2. Collect all bank information, document each account, passwords, balance, etc. It is important to get friendly with the local branch clerks - you will need their trust in the future.

STEP 3. Find nasty and vicious feminist lawyers with proven record of court cases filed against fathers. They don't have to be winners, you are just going to use them as attack dogs against you soon-to-be-ex-husband. They are also useful to exhaust the legal system with endless paperwork, briefs, motions and cross-motions and demoralize your enemy (A.K.A. the father of your children)

STEP 4. Wait until you have an opportunity to strike - it will come, be patient. If you exercised STEP 1 religiously for at least a year, you will have him in the right state of emotional turmoil. Now just wait until he blows up, supply few drinks to encourage the emotional breakdown. 

STEP 5. Now, it is important to have a friend (a loyal one) that would observe the whole scene. Don't use relatives, their testimony would sound less reliable in the court. Make sure that these "friends" would remember the important details, like him yelling "You ruined my life nasty bitch" (Sorry, dear, I haven't started yet - see you in 6 years from now). Let them do the dirty job for you (otherwise what the friends are for?) while you are still busy to put the last nail into the coffin of your marriage. Make sure they document everything in great and colorful detail. 

STEP 6. Next morning (while he is still sleeping in the car), withdraw as much money as possible from the joint accounts (better from different accounts) that will not look suspicious. Move the money into your personal account. Simultaneously your lawyer will file the Order of Protection against the husband. There is a 100% guarantee that you will get it and you don't have to prove anything. This will completely demoralize him and also kick him out of the house for a while (or forever). Now you have enough time to work on your court papers and destroy important evidence that might help him.

STEP 7.  Prepare your case. "Shape up" the information you collected in the STEP 1. Describe your husband in a worst possible way. The more inhuman he looks the more money you will get from him.

If he was speaking loudly, add kicking and beating to the scene. If he asked you to help him, make it to sound like he threatened you and you had to succumb to his aggression. If he said that he is upset at you, describe it as a horrifying rage. Don't forget to tell every few paragraphs how horrified you and your children were, how much psychological damage he caused (don't worry you don't have to prove any of this). And of course you do all this in the sake of safety of your children and you have been all these years a devoted wife and mother. Judges like to read it.

STEP 8. Let your "witnesses" to read the papers to refresh their memory so they could testify accordingly. Don't forget to notarize their statements.

STEP 9. You are ready to go - your lawyers will do the rest.

And what about desecration of God and losing your place in Olam Ha-Ba? Don't worry about it now, you will lie your way in somehow later on. Right now you are going after big bucks and it worth every penny!

Powerful and heartbreaking

I cried - see by yourself here...