The perfect divorce scheme

First, let's start with the disclaimer: This post is based on true stories - I compiled few cases and added more details to complete the picture. I advise women who seek divorce not to follow this path, since it creates nothing but destruction that would last for generations and the money is not worth it.

This is how the scheme works:

STEP 1. Document for few years every single argument that you have with your husband, every time he has something to say to his children document it as well, remember to put the dates. If he has temper, try to provoke him as much as possible to lose it - document each occasion. Invite your friends (or close relatives from your side of the family) to stay for a weekend or just come to visit frequently. Encourage the kids to disregard his remarks and disrespect him, give them silent permission to do whatever they want in your presence, but don't discipline them - wait until the father engages. Document the way he spoke to them, especially if he dared to raise his voice or to punish them. Assure that the friends will support your version of the story when the time comes.

STEP 2. Collect all bank information, document each account, passwords, balance, etc. It is important to get friendly with the local branch clerks - you will need their trust in the future.

STEP 3. Find nasty and vicious feminist lawyers with proven record of court cases filed against fathers. They don't have to be winners, you are just going to use them as attack dogs against you soon-to-be-ex-husband. They are also useful to exhaust the legal system with endless paperwork, briefs, motions and cross-motions and demoralize your enemy (A.K.A. the father of your children)

STEP 4. Wait until you have an opportunity to strike - it will come, be patient. If you exercised STEP 1 religiously for at least a year, you will have him in the right state of emotional turmoil. Now just wait until he blows up, supply few drinks to encourage the emotional breakdown. 

STEP 5. Now, it is important to have a friend (a loyal one) that would observe the whole scene. Don't use relatives, their testimony would sound less reliable in the court. Make sure that these "friends" would remember the important details, like him yelling "You ruined my life nasty bitch" (Sorry, dear, I haven't started yet - see you in 6 years from now). Let them do the dirty job for you (otherwise what the friends are for?) while you are still busy to put the last nail into the coffin of your marriage. Make sure they document everything in great and colorful detail. 

STEP 6. Next morning (while he is still sleeping in the car), withdraw as much money as possible from the joint accounts (better from different accounts) that will not look suspicious. Move the money into your personal account. Simultaneously your lawyer will file the Order of Protection against the husband. There is a 100% guarantee that you will get it and you don't have to prove anything. This will completely demoralize him and also kick him out of the house for a while (or forever). Now you have enough time to work on your court papers and destroy important evidence that might help him.

STEP 7.  Prepare your case. "Shape up" the information you collected in the STEP 1. Describe your husband in a worst possible way. The more inhuman he looks the more money you will get from him.

If he was speaking loudly, add kicking and beating to the scene. If he asked you to help him, make it to sound like he threatened you and you had to succumb to his aggression. If he said that he is upset at you, describe it as a horrifying rage. Don't forget to tell every few paragraphs how horrified you and your children were, how much psychological damage he caused (don't worry you don't have to prove any of this). And of course you do all this in the sake of safety of your children and you have been all these years a devoted wife and mother. Judges like to read it.

STEP 8. Let your "witnesses" to read the papers to refresh their memory so they could testify accordingly. Don't forget to notarize their statements.

STEP 9. You are ready to go - your lawyers will do the rest.

And what about desecration of God and losing your place in Olam Ha-Ba? Don't worry about it now, you will lie your way in somehow later on. Right now you are going after big bucks and it worth every penny!

Fighting for my chained man!

In Succos we will "celebrate" the 6th anniversary of this divorce battle. For long 6 years my partner is waiting for his separated wife to give him legal divorce and leave him alone. I joined the "show" 3 years ago when finally, despite all the obstacles, we were able to start our life as a couple. 3 amazing years and hopefully many more to come.

Since then, every day, after praying for Mashiah to come I add my little prayer saying "please help me to get married, have healthy children and please separate us from his ex-wife". And this day will come - being eternal optimist is not a bad thing, right?

In the mean time the legal wife is not giving up on us juggling between arbitration (Beth Din) and civil court system depending on where she gets more favorable judgement. The worst part of it - everyone believes her lies. Why? Come on, would you not have pity on a poor women that has no money to eat and had to file bankruptcy to avoid foreclosure on her house? Would you not feel sorry for her being abused by her husband? She would tell you how liberated she felt after obtaining the Order of Protection against her abusive husband and filing for divorce. And you will probably burst in tears of joy - so convincing she sounds.

The only problem is that her story is made up from it's very beginning. "Here we go again", you would say, "This is one of these stories where each side is right and I better stay away from it". The difference is that I have proofs and she doesn't. Lying only works for awhile, and only for people that don't want to be bothered by facts. So you can stop reading right here if ignoring the facts feels more convenient.

More details to be revealed soon - stay tuned!